Ma's perfect gift

Light a candle for you today ma... offers a prayer to you that may your soul is with our loving Lord.


Ma, it has been 10 years you had gone to the Father yet your memory is as fresh as it always been. Your voice, your gestures, your embrace, your disaprove stare and everything else is still there in my mind.


Our last goodbye is as fresh as long as I live for it was a day that I wanted so much to stay at your side but I thought if I were to go, you will abandon your will to induce your depart. I know ma that it wasn't your health that brought you to death so soon but it was your strong will to die when you are still very much alive. You have been telling me that if a person doesn't take any food and water for 3 days the person dies. I thought you were joking. Yet that's exactly what you did. After the death of Pa just 3 months before you made that decision. It hurts me ma but as I look at you sleeping forever I guess I know why you made that decision. You did it for a simple reason... for the love of your children, you refused the thought of troubling your children to care for you when your health detereorates. You have shown what greatest love mother can do for her children. You have been so strong will in many aspects. Your health has been detereorating and you have been telling me that you don't want to live if bedridden. You also said that it is better to leave when you are well aware of your sorrounding. You also said you don't want to die in the hospital especially with all the tubes and unconscious due to drugs. I throw away all those ideas whenever you mentioned it. But when you finally refused to take any food for days, I panicked. So finally I thought if I do leave you, you will begin to take some food again but I was all wrong. Instead you continue your will and you left us all the at dawn of 6 Dec 1999 just about 12 hours I held and kiss you goodbye. You shed tears when I said I want to return to the city. You asked me to stay but I said I will be home on coming friday. You held me close for a longest time that I remember. I cried too ma cos my heart says stay but my mind say go so that your ma will take some food. I didn't listen to my heart ma.. I listen to my mind. If only I listen to both, I could be there at your side when you breath your last breath. But then again I think there are other reasons why it happens. At least I got the chance to pick all the flowers that you like most from the city for you that morning when you die.


Ma.. you will be always the source of strenght in my life. You taught and showed that life is not always beautiful yet it is worth to live by. You taught my first prayer when I was just 5 (the one I remember). You taught me many things. You stood by me even those silly things I did. You are slow to punish me for my wrong doings cos you always say I could learn from it. Remember that one day!? when I got back from school when I was just 8, I was complaining about my friends and teachers in school that I thought they are mean to me. You just asked me where it hurts. I held my hand to my heart then you said.. 'yes heart does get hurt cos that is what it is built for and it is also builts to care and love so with that same heart, love and care your feelings. People can say many bad things to you, let them say whatever they want until their chins drop to the floor but never let your heart follows them to hurt your own heart, use your mind to help your heart not to hurt so much. Mind & heart checks to each other, learn to listen to them both. Heart doesn't know wrong or right but mind does. Mind doesn't feel but heart does. Combine this two in your life. Focus on you when you are sad cos no one out there can care for your own heart except you.' I have no idea what it means at that time but as I grew I begin to understand what it means. Ma, yes life is not all sunshine but it is all worthwhile. I also learn how to befriends with my heart and mind.. I must say I am still learning. Phew!

Ma... just the other day I was with the kampong folks and they have been talking about you. They talk about your way of life that inspire them in their little ways everyday. You indeed did make a lot of difference especially to the women in the village. I am learning from them too.

Ma.. I will cherished you forever until I meet you again. Pl pray for me ma cos it is tough living on earth. As I write the word tough I almost can see your face smiling to me. Thank you.. you just know how to uplift my spirit by just a simple gestures. I love & miss you forever ma...

Morning has broken - the very first thing fills our thought!

I don't seems to remember what was the first thing came to my mind whenever the morning embraces me when I was a baby (who does!?? kih-kih), toddler(blank), kid (somewhere there), young teens(the good oness), young adults (occupying most of my memories zone) & adult (endless space needed).

Perhaps people has different thing to think about the moment one wakes up every morning or to some waking up at midday to some at noon at to some only waking up after the sun goes down. At whatever time one wakes up no one would be able to skip the FIRST thought crosses your mind the moment you are waking up.

No once really care what one need to know. I used not to care what to think on THE FIRST THING not until lately. Lately was like 3 - 4 years ago. I can't remember when exactly but it was one fine day. It was the time when I was practically got nothing much to hurry in life for days. I could choose the very best thing to do that's to laze all day on bed. Sleep my time off for sleeping is closest to heaven. :)

It has been days that I practically sleep off, amazing tho how I could sleep almost 24 hours a day. It is so peaceful when sleeping especially people like me who seldom dreams. Sleep meaning almost dead to the world. The first thing I do whenever I get up is to reach for the mobile to check out on the time. Once I know the time, I coil up again and sleep. Funny how sleep comes so fast.

After a couple of days repeating the same routine (Oh I do get up to get something to eat for at least once a day & back to sleep).. then comes the 4th day.. I was awaken by some door banging. I opened my eyes, darkness & the first thought crossed my mind was "Can I go back to sleep?". Then I closed my eyes but sleep was never came. Many thoughts rushing through my brain, thoughts that you don't plan to think till I thought something wrong with me. It was like having two persons inside of my thoughts. I was asking y at the same time the unplanned thoughts rushing through. I would say the one asking y was me, but the alien thoughts were someone's thoughts. Panicked came to me.. I woke up, walked out of the room yet the two thoughts were real. My thought say am dreaming but the thoughts were real. Confusion sets in & as anyone who have some faith I reach out to prayers. Closed my eyes & ask for calmness, peace & my own very thought. I don't know how long was that asking was but when the thought was just me, I heard myself praising. The experience left me with many questions but I suppose I was just had too much sleep, overdosed in a way.

Since that day, the very FIRST thoughts that uttered in my mind as I wakes up is thanking the One who gives me the new day and giving my own thoughts to think about that One moment. Sometimes I ask myself what would happened to my thoughts should I have no faith in something at that one waking hours a quite long time ago.. I really have no answer - another question that went unanswered.

simplicity

one may see that life is all about decisions.. calculating if this is what i think?! Yes & No. Yes if we need to make a decision, Nop.. if things just happens.

I would prefer Nop as this is more about being there without any expectations. With No, Yes would be one of the subsequent thing to happen. If YES case.. my!!! tiring cos then we are so bust calculating ahaha..

ok.. so am opting simplicity.. less headache less worry more rewarding.

:) this is just my testing posting..